Shift Happens…


So here it is….me. no really, ME.

Alot  of  my  very  dear  friends  know  the  space  im  in  and  what  my  life  looks  like  right  now….  the  marriage,  the  baby,  the  separation,  the  happiness….  the happiness?!   Yes,  the  happiness!    The  truth   is,  danny   and  I  grew  apart  in  a very  real  way.   this  truth  absolutely  terrified  me!

I  remember  feeling  a  spiritual  shift  tugging  at  me  and  I  also  remember  consciously  wanting  to  deny  it,  to  move  as  far  away  from  it  as  possible  but  my  spirit  was  beckoning  me  to  look,  to  really  look  at  me…. I  told  a  friend about  this  at  the  time  and  said  im  so  scared  to  face  me  because  I  know  what it  all  might  mean…

It  was  mid  2007  when  I  began  to  get  in  tune  with  the  real  me,  the  real  voice without  society,  staunch  morals,  lies,  the  need  for  approval,  and  the  desire  to please.  You  know  what  I  found?  Underneath  all  that  stuff  was  a  girl  that wanted  to  be  free.   A  girl  that  wanted  to  go  it  alone.  A  girl  that  (gulp)  didnt want  to  be  married.

Danny  and  I  talked  and  talked  and  talked  (that’s  why  I  will  never  stop  loving him)  and  he  felt  some  of  this  as  well, the growing  apart  ..now here we are, these  very  different  people  who  hardly  recognize  one  another….and  it was during  this  time  i  read  something that  shook  me  to  my  core:

 

“One  of  the  reasons  why  many  people  fear  this  inward-looking  process  is  that they  are  dimly  aware  that,  having  discovered  one’s  real  nature,  1  can  no  longer  pretend  in  the  eyes  of  the  world”

That  was  a  sort  of  wake  up  call,  a  shake  up  call.  I  found  too,  that  you  can only  ignore  you  for  so  long.   Try  as I did, I popped and went about my quest in, at first, the most cowardly way. So yes, mistakes (or opportunities to grow) surely happened…I’m now in the process of trying to clean it up (bleach does NOT work). I would be lying if I said I regret them but I know I would not be who I am now without all my follies…

 

What is real for me is being a mother… I fucking love it! I looked at my son and felt the need to live fearlessly. I want him to be a leader, one who views life as a daring adventure or nothing at all. Who are we if we try to go thru life unscathed? Who am i and how can teach these things without BEING?!

If this is life 101, I got an apple in my bag and freshly sharpened pencils!

Sorry, I gotta go I got a small human jumping on my back telling me class is in session….

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