So here it is….me. no really, ME.
Alot of my very dear friends know the space im in and what my life looks like right now…. the marriage, the baby, the separation, the happiness…. the happiness?! Yes, the happiness! The truth is, danny and I grew apart in a very real way. this truth absolutely terrified me!
I remember feeling a spiritual shift tugging at me and I also remember consciously wanting to deny it, to move as far away from it as possible but my spirit was beckoning me to look, to really look at me…. I told a friend about this at the time and said im so scared to face me because I know what it all might mean…
It was mid 2007 when I began to get in tune with the real me, the real voice without society, staunch morals, lies, the need for approval, and the desire to please. You know what I found? Underneath all that stuff was a girl that wanted to be free. A girl that wanted to go it alone. A girl that (gulp) didnt want to be married.
Danny and I talked and talked and talked (that’s why I will never stop loving him) and he felt some of this as well, the growing apart ..now here we are, these very different people who hardly recognize one another….and it was during this time i read something that shook me to my core:
“One of the reasons why many people fear this inward-looking process is that they are dimly aware that, having discovered one’s real nature, 1 can no longer pretend in the eyes of the world”
That was a sort of wake up call, a shake up call. I found too, that you can only ignore you for so long. Try as I did, I popped and went about my quest in, at first, the most cowardly way. So yes, mistakes (or opportunities to grow) surely happened…I’m now in the process of trying to clean it up (bleach does NOT work). I would be lying if I said I regret them but I know I would not be who I am now without all my follies…
What is real for me is being a mother… I fucking love it! I looked at my son and felt the need to live fearlessly. I want him to be a leader, one who views life as a daring adventure or nothing at all. Who are we if we try to go thru life unscathed? Who am i and how can teach these things without BEING?!
If this is life 101, I got an apple in my bag and freshly sharpened pencils!
Sorry, I gotta go I got a small human jumping on my back telling me class is in session….