I knew it was over when I lost every desire to fight. I felt it gradually floating away and then it was gone.
I remember judging him as I was complaining to a friend about his snappy, lets argue about everything demeanor but the truth was, for years, I made sure any spark became a roaring flame. I was right there with him fighting and defending all kinds of bullshit. Nothing was safe. You name it, we fought about everything from parking spaces to rugs…
I hope I’m not painting a grim picture. Most of these were small spats and we almost always made up quickly and laughed at ourselves constantly. But, all the while, I was changing. I was growing more and more spiritually and began to lose that desire to fight. We always had a spiritual base but I wanted to go higher, to get more. We read to each other, often from various spiritual books and while I loved it, I felt now was the time to really apply the knowledge.
I learned that that was true wisdom… not just learning but practicing what you learned in your everyday life.
When I first felt this powerful shift happening I wanted to fight it because deep down i knew what it would mean… if he has no desire to take the ride, you will end up on the road alone….
Now, let me be honest,during this HUGE, terrifying shift I made some really big mistakes. You have to understand, I was soo scared that the fear had me acting totally out of character. I think we sometimes have to be who we are not to remember who we really are. It was when I really made the decision to man up that everything changed.
I walked through the door anyway, and of course we ended. Still there is much work to be done because (and thankfully, not often) I can fall in to old patterns…
If you ask for clarity, that’s exactly what you are going to get. My breakup (they should call it a breakdown) has it’s challenges. it has been soo good in that I learned more about myself than i could’ve ever thought humanly possible.
We get along famously and last week we enjoyed a picnic while we watched our gorgeous son run and play—That soo did not happen!
Here’s the real..
Yesterday, we had a barrage of nasty texts, really nasty. You know what they say about the pen being pretty mighty, well damn! Honestly, it wasn’t what he said that ruffled my feathers, it was my response that has gotten under my skin.
Here I am Ms. Spiritual herself writing a book and all and having a texting death match!
My goal in life is to heal not just this stinker of a relationship but all of my relationships. that doesn’t mean we have be best buds but, why cant we be cool?!
I know, I should not be attached to the outcome but I know how good it feels to hold him in a loving place as opposed to feeling like I wish he fell neck deep in cow shit. As soon as I turned off the pisstivity, I turned on the positivity.
I began to pray and wish him well, really wish him well and it wasn’t for him, It was for me. It feels so much more divine to feel good about everyone you encounter and everyone in your world. As far as me slipping, this was an opportunity for me to be more loving and embrace my humanness. Along as there is breath in my body there will be room constant for growth….
So listen up, buddy, yeah you! I’m sending you love!!!! NOW deal with it!!
(Boy, I told him)