Life. The Learn As You Go Program.

In my past relationship, I spent much of my time trying to change the poor guy.  I reflect on this with a bit of shame because I felt he spent most of his life being controlled by his family and then… he met me…. his “Savior”, right?

I had all these amazing ideas for how he should live his life. Eat this, Don’t eat that! Don’t ever use a microwave. Don’t have another drink.  Don’t get drunk.  Buy this.  Get this car.  Don’t be his friend.  Wear this.  Cut your hair.  Let it grow.  Read this book.  Stop playing video games.  Don’t buy that!  Don’t let your family control  you.

OMG! Out of the grip of his family and right into mine…

I swear, at the time, I had no clue that this is what I was doing. And at the same time, I can’t say that if someone told me I was doing this, I would have believed them.

As sad as that may be, I find so many couples with the same issues. The woman takes the lead and the guy reluctantly adheres. This is a formula bound for failure but I didn’t know. I thought if I get him to do all these things that I would love him ”more”. More is the key word because I did love him deeply but the problem was that he wasn’t exactly the guy for me.

I was young and up until that point my love came with a gazillion conditions and although him ”going along” with most of these helped us to be quite happy and prosperous, I don’t think it was fair. Okay, I know it wasn’t fair. You should fully and completely love your partner for who and what they are, as they are. Instead I loved him “as long as”…

While I was still in it, I remember, years down the line, the horrific feeling of no longer being attracted to him and knowing deep down that there was nothing wrong with him.  I read everything i could on the subject because I NEEDED to know why.

I read. I meditated. I took group therapy. I soul searched and you know what I found?

I was so busy….I handled our money. Did the paper work. Balanced the books. Handled the taxes. Did the cleaning. And all the while had no clue that every task I did meant I didn’t trust he could do it. I couldn’t relax and let him be a man and that lack of trust bled into our bedroom, I didn’t trust he could please me.

In truth, he was amazing. He opened doors. He made me laugh. He laughed at all my dumb jokes. He was loyal and honest. He ALWAYS told me how pretty I was. Whatever I asked for he would give me… but…

I learned that as strong as I am, I need some one stronger. I prefer a man with a family that does not interfere. Someone that I can trust to totally control the situation. Someone from a not so conservative background.  Someone who doesn’t play video games.  Someone to balance the books. A man who loves peace and harmony above the fight along with all the qualities that I was blessed to get in my previous relationship… And because I was able to look at all of my follies with truth and honesty I got the relationship I desired….

It amazes me that I had to experience soo much to really get this …

Life…Truly a Learn as you go program!


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